Dear T.A.ZAugust 19, 2008
you know who you are. thank you for your kind words yesterday.sorry if i were being overreacting. i just was not in a good mood to recieve such advice. i was in the mood to listen to only what i want to listen. you know, stuff like “you are right, your sister is wrong, so she can go to hill”. not something like “you should accept it as it is”, or “put yourself in her shoes” or “talk to your parents”.
why do you think i blog my dear T.A.Z.? because i simply can’t put a lot of things into spoken words, i let it all out in writing. if i can talk to my parents, don’t you think i would have done that long ago? you see, it is not that way in my family. the longest i talk on the phone with my parents is 3 minutes, and we talk about stuff like the weather, if my car is due for service, if my roadtax is about to expire, about my exam result, it is all about me, me and me. and i’m sure, when my sisters and brothers talk to our parents, the subject would be about them, them, them. kaklong doesn’t talk about kakngah and kakcik or adik with ma and abah, kakcik doesn’t talk about kaklong or adik with ma and abah blablabla…
i wish you didn’t tell me to talk to my parents. what should i talk to them with? just to be fair to them you said. be fair what? i’m envious at my sister because she get ‘that smile’ when i won’t ever, but i was never angry at my parents. so i hate the brother -in-law, what does it has to do with my parents?
and yes, i know my parents will be happy when i marry, as you said, parents have this kind of ‘happiness allocation’ for all their children, maybe differently towards each and every one of us, but like i said, i only want ‘that one smile’. do you know how much it hurts when my mum ask to take photos with me on the dais, when the dais is not mine? when it was not me wearing the bridal suit? all mums would be very eager to take photos on the dais on the day of her children’s wedding, and the eagerness is even more because it is the first time for her? God, i miss all this first timers because i am not the first one! just because you were not hurt when it happens to you doesn’t mean i am not too!!!!!!
i am wrong, and i am not doing this right, or whatever, so what???!!!!!