..orang cakap memang senang..July 1, 2008
orang cakap memang senang. sebagai anak sulung, i obviously have the advantages, or so i thought, or so my sister thought. the truth is, not really, but most of the times, memang ye.
sebab itu, my sister menjadi sangat competitive dengan saya, in a subtle way (or so i thought). either she is just admiring and looking up to me and tries to match up to my every achievement, or she simply do it because of herself, i’m not really sure. but she always have that competing-with-kaklong aura around her. i contantly feels like she’s always telling herself some sort of “kaklong dapat macam ni, jadi kakngah pun kena macam ni” or “kaklong ambik nie, kakngah pun kena macam ni” or “kaklong mesti dah ada nie, kakngah kena ada ni jugak”. as i said, it was subtle, but i can feel it.
and u might ask, why do i feel threatened? when i should be proud that my sister is looking up to me like that? i don’t have the answer. i simply hate it. not that i hate competition, it’s good for my self – esteem, but when we are competing in a playing field that is not of the same level, i hate the facts that it simply is not fair. i mean, what leverage do i have here in the competition? ONLY the fact that i am the eldest. now consider her leverage : she’s slim, pretty and domestically-equipped (she can practically do housechores with her eyes closed) – now people, being eldest doesn’t get me evrything, at least, not a boyfriend.
do i blame her? no, i don’t. i accept it as it is. i have never been the favourite of my parents anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. but i hate it that she compete with me in every single thing. and that she seems to win, most of the time, and makes me a loser. i still do not blame her, i just hate it.
u don’t have to understand whatever i am saying. not should u give me any consolation, or suggestion, or solution. i have lived with this competition for as long as i can remember, and i am still standing tall. i’m standing upright, looking all-strong and tough on the surface, but no one could ever see how my heart is broken into dust-size pieces, how i struggle every morning to face the day as it comes. and certainly no one could ever know, how painful it is to see my parents smiling so happily and giddily for something that i think me, as the eldest child should ever do : that is the gift of their first son in law and a glorious wedding reception. personally, i felt it was my duty to do that. i’d like to think that whatever duty that has been rested on my shoulder so far have been accomplished very well, except this one. i failed this one, and it kills me. it kills me that after all these years, i failed to give them that. it has nothing to do with my sister’s achievement or anything, but rather, as my failure. that smile had been stolen. forever. because the smile of recieving the first son/daughter in law is not comparable to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th menantu. i lost this battle.
will i run away? i probably will, for i need to protect whatever sanity and rationality i still have in myself. if it makes me a coward, then be it. after all, i have never been the brave one anyway.