i do, but i don’t also, so how?

everytime my sister tried to bring up the subject of her boyfriend (now soon to be fiance), my good mood (which was rarely good when i was with her) would suddenly turned sour. very, very sour. i would then not say a single word anymore, or i would just disappear from the scene in a flash. i just couldn’t stand it.

and now i know that she’s getting engaged, but i don’t know when. i don’t even know if the guy’s family has come merisik or not. but i realized that in the last few months, she has been busy preparing the baju tunang whatsoever. and then there was this passing by comments about shhe going to kursus kawen. and today, i got to know, my mother is going to Nilai 3 to buy things for her engagement.

but yet, none of them seems to be talking to me about this things. my sister tried, but my mood turned sour everytime, so i won’t blame her if she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. maybe she was afraid that she hurts my feelings. my parents also didn’t say anything up to now. i mean, it usually is a normal thing that my parents doesn’t discuss things about my other siblings with any of us, but for something like this, it all just seems wrong. i mean why won’t they talk to me about it? i have the right to be angry at my sister for wanting to get married before me (and have the rest of the extra advantages blablabla), but i can’t get mad at my parents for that now, can i? or do they expect me to behave like a grown up on my own, and face this things as they come, buat muka tebal je? let bygone be bygone? pray for your sister’s happiness? and stuffs?  

but even if they want to tell me, i don’t think i want to listen to it. i was imagining, how would they say it to me? “kaklong tahu kan kakngah nak bertunang?” and so maybe i would respond : “tahu”. and afterward i somehow couldn’t imagine how the conversation would turn. i want to know the details, but i don’t want to know the details either. i hate the facts that my sister gets to marry before i do, and i want to be left out of it so much, but i also don’t want to be left out. my ego and alter-ego clashing. the ‘me’ as in myself hated my sister so much now, but the ‘me’ as in the sister couldn’t do that.

was i wrong that i hate my sister at this point of time? not that i want to get married or whatever, but i can’t stand the thoughts that she gets to get everything that i can’t. i hate to think that she gets the better of everything (not that i want her boyfriend .. i don’t .. and i hate him too for coming into our lives!!).

I. J.U.S.T. H.A.T.E. I.T.

of course people would say that i should just “let it go”, “pray for her happiness”, “your time will come soon, you will also find a good man yourself, if not now, sooner or later”, “you also have something that she haven’t”, bla bla bla … how easy for people to say. how easy because it is not them people to answer to questions like “kaklong bile pulak?”, “kaklong nak tunggu aper lagi?”, “lepas nie kaklong pulak” and bloody stuffs like that!

kalau nanti mereka terbukak hati untuk tanyer “apa yang kaklong nak untuk ‘pampasan’ langkah bendul nie?” my answer would be “rumah banglo sebijik, di putrajaya, paid for that i don’t have to pay for anything else other than the utility bills”. in my dreams, like they are going to ask. what would i normally get? oh yes, of course, mungkin kain sepasang, that would cost me at least rm45 untuk dijahit. kain sepasang for my emotional sufferings that is yet to come? how fucki** unfair!!!

evil? oh yes .. baru tau ke betapa kejinya saya?