would anybody miss me? will i be forgotten?April 21, 2008
sometimes i wonder, would anybody miss me if i’m gone?
i’m not very close to my family, i grew up in a boarding school, so i see my family once every a fortnight, and over the years, i see them less and less, once a month, sometimes, once every two months. i never share anything with my father and mother, and neither with my sisters and brothers. i might have been the best of my siblings – i got fairly good grades, i played hockey to represent the district (none of my siblings plays any sports), i got good job in the civil service, i stay out of trouble, i never talked back to my parents if they scolded me, i never asked for money directly. BUT i also am a big spender, malas balik kampung, malas memasak, sangat suka tengok tv dan tido etc etc which constitutes a disobedient child. sigh .. maybe they will miss me when i’m gone, but i think, that’s about it.
i don’t remember having any ‘bestest of friends’ in school. i mean, i make friends with everyone, but i didn’t get particularly close to anybody. and i don’t have a boyfriend in school. >sad< (i guess none of them would miss me when i’m gone. it’s good enough if they actually remember who i am, or that i even existed in SHAH Pekan)
i have 2 ‘bestest friend’ during matriculation years. i share like almost everything with them. i was 18 and never had any bestest friend, so they were the ones i confided about everything in my life for that previous 18 years. i didn’t worry about not having a boyfriend then, bacause i have them. (but mind you, i almost get myself a boyfriend, before some ‘tragedy’ happenned sob..sob..). but now we are so apart, because we went to different university, different courses, different jobs, different states. they are always close to my heart, always very close, but somehow the distance makes our communication less and less. i think the last time i contacted either one of them was like, 5 months ago? we have cellphones nowadays, but i think neither of us feel so obligated to stay in touch more often. and so, i don’t know what really is going on in their life, and i bet neither do they know about mine. would they miss me when i’m gone?
the first ex. ah yes, the first ex.. he was very special. period. but he has moved on with his life, and so do i. we move on. would he miss me when i’m gone?
another bestest friends are 2 special people i met in university. they were my coursemates. we went to class together, we ate breakfast, lunch, dinner together, we went outing together, stay up the night before the exam togeher, stay awake for 3 days straight finishing our thesis together.. we did everything together (except sleep and bathe together haha).. but as we move on to life after the uni years, i grew apart from them. i don’t go surf the internet that often, and when i do, i don’t go chit -chatting or yahoo-messengering with them. plainly put, i don’t know what’s going on with their life, unless they tell me. and i don’t think i have any story to update them because my life is so bloody ordinary, so i just didn’t bother to stay in touch. unless something important pops up like one of them has given birth or getting married or stuff like that, we would not be in contact. my fault? u can say that. will they miss me when i’m gone? not so much, i think.
the current participants in my current life means so much to me. my former boss taught me about almost everything about my job. in the years i’ve worked wth him, i think, i have grown to be someone that couldn’t care more about the office politics or how my future in this office would turn out, but rather, to go on with life as they come, and accept everything with open hearts. he makes me realize that most of the times, life doesn’t go the way we want it to be, but GOD is most merciful, HE gives us just about everything we needed. it’s just how we percieve his ‘kurniaan’ or ‘anugerah’ that makes a different about which course of life to take afterwards. and my staff were just so understanding and helpful, that i am more open in my communication with them. i didn’t confide everything to them but having someone much more senior and motherly close by when my mother is quite a distance away, most of the time, i feel at home there. i hope, when i’m gone, they wil miss me (with good thoughts!)
i have great collegues here in the office. different personalities, different backgrounds, different age and different about everything else, except that we love to gossip and b*t*h about the people or the policy or the situation or whatever it is in the system under the sun that doesn’t go along with our ‘ideology’. we would b*t*hed about the weather, the aircond, the windows, the rooms, sometimes menial and meaningless things, sometimes about masalah negara, sometimes about masalah negara lain, etc etc. we hope to make a difference (kind of) to everything we discussed, but most of the time, we just love to gossip and pour our hearts’ content for others to listen. if these people doesn’t remember me when i’m gone, i’d come back from the grave and haunt them until they do hahahaha … because i gossip about so much with them that they should remember me huhuhu …
the 3 most important person in my life today are the people in this blog header. i’d love to think that i shared everything with them, and i think i do. i don’t think i’ve hold any secrets away from them. let me think. no, no secrets at all. my life is an open book to them. i think i inform (inform is such a formal word, but anyway) about every event happenning in my life, even the small ones, like “aku kat bentong nie, tengah tengok AF” or “aku kat kuantan nie, panas giler kat sini” or “bencinya aku beli sofa tu 600 tapi kat sini jual 900!!” or “dier takde la handsome sangat pun tapi kenapa aku suka dier” or “aku ingat nak beli almari la” etc etc. it became a habit, naturally, but only with them. i guess, i learned that by not keeping in touch very often, i’d somehow be lost and that people would forget me. and the last person i want to forget me was them 3 people. i hope they won’t forget me.
i am ordinary and plain. i don’t have much to offer. my existence doesn’t really makes a difference to the people around me, or to the world. but i hope, i will not be forgotten.