March 29, 2007

Somebody had said, “Your worst enemy is yourself”. Frankly, I couldn’t agree more. Something had happened today that had proven that I’m indeed my own worst enemy. There was practically nothing that could’ve stopped me from trying to achieve my goal (don’t ask what goal is that, it was nothing interesting, but apparently it’s the question of life and death for me  … sigh ..), but I did stop myself. I told myself I can’t do this (like thousands and thousands of time), I’m going to be the world’s greatest shame if I did this, people will laugh at me if I did this, if other people found out that I fail to even do THAT, they’ll think I’m just a useless, brainless lady who doesn’t even know how to socialize.  

The truth is, I’m just too shy to approach the greater, bigger world out there. I’m too shy to talk to other people other than my circle of very close friends. Even among my good friends, I’m too shy to ask questions that have nothing to do with the matters at hand. When I go into a shop, I’d go around the whole shop and look for the items I want, even if it takes like forever to finally find it. I won’t go and ask the cashier or the workers there. I’m afraid people will think that I’m stupid, or if they will call me ‘sengal’. I couldn’t put myself in such embarrassing situation. I will automatically think that I’m no good. WHY AM I SO NEGATIVE???

 Yesterday, I’d desperately wanted to learn to overcome my shyness that I bought a self-enrichment book entitled “Goodbye To Shy”, by Leil Lowndes. An excerpt form the book read : “I was teaching my way through graduate school. And on the surface, I guess I don’t seem shy, but my timidness is so painful that in order to not have to speak to someone I will avoid them. In a group, I will just sit and listen (never putting in my opinion) to a conversation. Sometimes I tell people I’m shy, and they just laugh it off. They don’t believe me. They don’t know how much I’m suffering inside 

Okay, whatever she was experiencing is exactly the same as what I’m suffering. Perhaps people don’t define such problems (or symptoms) as shyness, but rather cowardice. Whatever you call it, this is the things I go through every single day. I hope by reading this book I will eventually managed to overcome my shyness and welcome the world into my life with a wider, open hands. But I guess you don’t get to overcome your fear in 24 hours or just after you finish reading a book. It has to start by a change in the way of thinking, as well as my attitude.  I am now trying to adopt the things I’m reading into my real life. It is very difficult, you know, putting myself in a place, or a situation I’ve never been before. But I know I can do it. So far, I have managed to do these things even though I’ve never done these before: 

·        Paddled the kayak circling the Pangkor Island (even paddled for my motion-sickness partner);

·        Gotten myself lost in the wood (well, not just myself, with my friends) but we managed to get out without being rescued;

·        Explore the ‘Gua Tempurung’ and then Gua Itik (albeit forced to do it, but still);

·        Panjat Gunung Panti (I cried the whole journey up and down… Jimmy baik and ezdwan razak were the witnesses… Thank you guys for being there for me!! )

·        Finish Battle Inoculation in PULADA!! (A lifetime achievement, I think I deserve a medal of honors from myself to myself hehe ..) 



One comment

  1. paris bucuk…huhuh never occured to me, since the day i knew you that u r a shy girl, well at least not when u r with us. well, wish u luck. by the way, u’ve achieved much…n u deserved to be proud of urself…there is nothing wrong being a shy one because when everyone’s trying hard to show themselves off, u r still the one that attract focus, well with ur shyness…people notice u as well. best of luck dear!

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