we are only human

last night, i was quite emotional .. i felt very sorry for george o’malley .. his father couldn’t fight the complication of the cancer operation, and had been in coma for sometimes, until his internal organs began to fail to function. the family was advised to let him go since there is no more way he can make it another day. it was a tough decision, i mean letting him go like that was like murdering their own father (literally meaning), but if they don’t, they are saving him for another day of suffering. and i think the burden was heavier for george, because he studied so hard to be able to save people, but not his own father. poor george .. i felt so sorry for him that i cried (mind you, i’m not the soft-hearted kind of person)

and i like what izzie said to miranda bailey in the end :

“I’m both. I’m a surgeon and I am a person who becomes emotionally involved. I will never again cross the line like I did with Denny. I have learned my lesson. But I’m still both, and I’m not going to give up either part of me. And I am not going to apologize for it.”

and i think, that’s so true. i mean, we are a human being, we have emotion, even if we are stone-faced. there’s no way in the world that we can seperate our emotion from our profesionalism. try as we may, we usually end up failing and disappointing ourselves. we were told that we have to be objectives in our decision, we have to be fair, but is there really justice in the world. we are an employee, an employer, a government servant, a lawyer, a doctor, a son/daughter, a father/mother, a politician, an actress/actor .. we are many things, but we are just merely human. human and emotion can never be seperated. so, go figure with profesionalism! (some of the times ..)

once in a while ..

once in a while, it feels good to recieved a compliment from somebody.

once in a while, it feels great to know that we are remembered by the people who are important in our life.

once in a while, it is refreshing to escape the heavy workloads and free ourselves with small, unimportant aspects of life.

once in a while, it is nice to sit down and chat with our loved ones about our dream and hopes.

once in a while, it is heaven to just sit, do nothing but stare at the beautiful universe God has granted us.

once in a while, being alone is better.

paris-de-lizard

last night i had a good sleep. 12 to 7, 7 hours, i think that’s enough sleep. but today i’m tired. the boss is not around and so the spirit to work (or even to move) was not around as well. i became the laziest lizard in the office today. not much work get done, only some signing. huh, i guess if i can change form, i’d have been any kind of liquid now, only move when there’s a slope or a passage for water to run, or just stay there until i was totally dried up by the not-so-glaring sun. it’s boring. suddenly i miss my boss. T_T

Fitting In and Belong

Some of us are born with the gift to fit in wherever they go. Some of us, have to try very hard to fit in. We ignore our preference, our likings, just for the sake of getting the others’ attention, so they turn towards us, talk to us, notice us, and acknowledge us as one of them. we will live in this state of denial about our real self just so we belong to the group. Most of the times, we are happy that these people ‘like us’, but there are times, we just want to world to disappear so we can be our true self even for just one minute. But we have been pretending that this is our true self for so long,  that even the lies now has all seems real. and when finally reality hit, that we are never one of them, we are just pretending we are, all that is left is us, and our own selves. we can never fit in and belong even if we try forever, because it’s just not for us. we don’t belong to the people we want to belong, we belong the the people we are destined to belong. 

“At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they’re what you do. Some things you say cause there’s no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. “

~ life alone sucks, but life with heartbreakers and traitors sucks even more~

hurt

The closer we are to people, the deeper the wound of the stab would be.  The harder it will be to forgive, and to forget. It might take one day, one week, one month, one lifetime, forever. Enough said.

a realization – i am fat.. (after all these years)

i’ve gained weight. a lot of it. i’m fat. i’ve always been fat. the last time i was thin was when i was 11 years old. that was 14 years ago. i was fat in form 1, fat still in form 3, even fatter in form 5 (because i stopped playing hockey altogether for spm), still fat during matrix, remain fat during uni years, and today, i’m still fat. in fact i’m fatter than i was in december 2006. i’ve gained like, 3 kg? damn ..

i realized i’m fat and that i’ve gained even more weight, but everytime i feel like going for a jog (i can jog before, now i’m not sure), i stay there at my workstation and started to do the job i should’ve finished in the afternoon. then i said to myself : “why didn’t i finished this in the damn afternoon?”

it’s my own fault that i’m fat. i used to pretend that i’m just another big boned woman with extra fat here and there, but today i accept the truth, I’M FAT. i need to control my eating, i need to exercise more. perhaps the idea of moving to a house at the 4th floor and has no lift is a good idea. forced exercise. that’s what i need. i need to discipline myself!

girlfriends are the best!

why girlfriends are the best?

1. u can sit together and u can exchange at least 10 different topics under the sun at one time, in no particular order, and everyone will still understand what the rest of us was saying. for example :

elizabeth : nice shoes. is it new?

mei lin : no lah, it’s not new, something i dun wear for quite sometime now. there’re still a few pairs at home. am thinking about giving them away for charity. know any place ah?

suraya : there’s a place for donation, but i dun remember where. heard about it in the radio yesterday. eh, when will the sale start eh?

lola : i’m moving to a new house. know any place good?

elizabeth : what’s wrong with your house? eh mei lin if you have good shoes and don’t want them, sell it to me la, half price, the rest u can give away to charity ..

lola : yes, show me as well. bla bla bla .. and mind you, esok hujan tau. bawak la payung.

mei lin : haiii .. bile la aku nak beli kereta nie. viva .. oh viva …

u see, in one time, women can talk about different things without getting lost. add a man in the group, he’ll say ” exactly, what are u girls talking about?” .. well, it’s basically nothing and everything!

2. u can whine about your problem, then friend number 2 chirp in and whine about her problem, then friend number 3 whine about her problem, then friend number 2 again, then u whine again, then friend number 4 says she face the same thing .. and there goes the cycle. i mean, u can whine for all you care, just to get it out of your chest, and they can whine all they can. no one asked for any solution or suggestion, and so no one provide anything. it’s different when we’re with men. when we whine, they offer solution .. huhu .. we have brains you know to think about the solution, we just wanted someone to listen. that’s why girlfriends are the best.

3. girlfriend give honest reactions when we go shopping. for example “the design is ok, but not very nice when u wear it”, or “just buy the magazine, later i can borrow”, or “kan dah banyak baju u design macam tu jugak” or whatever. i think a man will say “it’s nice” or “it fits u nicely” or stuff like that because they want the ordeal to be done as soon as possible. with girlfriends, it’s  just the reverse because they like it better if the shopping continues longer hehe ..

all in all, girlfriends are the best, to gossip, to whine, to laugh with, to cry with. girls are great companies, emotionally, in a turmoil. when our car broke down in the middle of the road, or the pipe go haywire or the lamp in the bedroom doesn’t work, men are still the best buddies ^o^!

we’re better off as friends – bul*&^%t!

a man said, he doesn’t anymore trust women, because a woman have hurt him before. therefore he doesn’t want to be involved in a relationship too deep because he fears he will be hurt again. but later he started caring for a new woman (woman no. 1), and when the relationship looked like it was taking a new direction, he backed off. because he’s afraid woman no. 1 might hurt him, again. how does he back off from the relationship? he started sort of a new realtionship with another woman(woman no. 2) who seems to adore him. and what did he tell woman no. 1? “i think we’d better off as friends” .. frankly : that man is a total JERK! i mean if you are so afraid that a woman might hurt you, then don’t care for her. women don’t care if you look like a frog, but if you show that you care, they will interpret that as a sign of love, or at least, that you like them more than a friend.  so stop being so caring if you don’t actually want the relationship to go anywhere, and drag yourself to the nearest gay bar or something. if women might hurt you, might as well you go find a man as your life partner. huh!!!!

this is not another chapterof my sad and unsuccessful love life. it happen to many women around us. it’s either the man do as the story above, or he already has a girlfriend but still want to court you to test his power or because he’s lonely the girlfriend is far away (this one happen to me), or the man love the woman very much but he can’t continue the relationship because he doesn’t want to hurt his wife (F them!), or the man simply doesn’t want the woman because he’s so great and every woman on earth are just penniless humble servants of his.  perhaps fai de floweryna was right, good man are not just taken, they simply not existing anymore. bottom line is, whatever!