Somebody had said, “Your worst enemy is yourself”. Frankly, I couldn’t agree more. Something had happened today that had proven that I’m indeed my own worst enemy. There was practically nothing that could’ve stopped me from trying to achieve my goal (don’t ask what goal is that, it was nothing interesting, but apparently it’s the question of life and death for me  … sigh ..), but I did stop myself. I told myself I can’t do this (like thousands and thousands of time), I’m going to be the world’s greatest shame if I did this, people will laugh at me if I did this, if other people found out that I fail to even do THAT, they’ll think I’m just a useless, brainless lady who doesn’t even know how to socialize.  

The truth is, I’m just too shy to approach the greater, bigger world out there. I’m too shy to talk to other people other than my circle of very close friends. Even among my good friends, I’m too shy to ask questions that have nothing to do with the matters at hand. When I go into a shop, I’d go around the whole shop and look for the items I want, even if it takes like forever to finally find it. I won’t go and ask the cashier or the workers there. I’m afraid people will think that I’m stupid, or if they will call me ‘sengal’. I couldn’t put myself in such embarrassing situation. I will automatically think that I’m no good. WHY AM I SO NEGATIVE???

 Yesterday, I’d desperately wanted to learn to overcome my shyness that I bought a self-enrichment book entitled “Goodbye To Shy”, by Leil Lowndes. An excerpt form the book read : “I was teaching my way through graduate school. And on the surface, I guess I don’t seem shy, but my timidness is so painful that in order to not have to speak to someone I will avoid them. In a group, I will just sit and listen (never putting in my opinion) to a conversation. Sometimes I tell people I’m shy, and they just laugh it off. They don’t believe me. They don’t know how much I’m suffering inside” 

Okay, whatever she was experiencing is exactly the same as what I’m suffering. Perhaps people don’t define such problems (or symptoms) as shyness, but rather cowardice. Whatever you call it, this is the things I go through every single day. I hope by reading this book I will eventually managed to overcome my shyness and welcome the world into my life with a wider, open hands. But I guess you don’t get to overcome your fear in 24 hours or just after you finish reading a book. It has to start by a change in the way of thinking, as well as my attitude.  I am now trying to adopt the things I’m reading into my real life. It is very difficult, you know, putting myself in a place, or a situation I’ve never been before. But I know I can do it. So far, I have managed to do these things even though I’ve never done these before: 

·        Paddled the kayak circling the Pangkor Island (even paddled for my motion-sickness partner);

·        Gotten myself lost in the wood (well, not just myself, with my friends) but we managed to get out without being rescued;

·        Explore the ‘Gua Tempurung’ and then Gua Itik (albeit forced to do it, but still);

·        Panjat Gunung Panti (I cried the whole journey up and down… Jimmy baik and ezdwan razak were the witnesses… Thank you guys for being there for me!! )

·        Finish Battle Inoculation in PULADA!! (A lifetime achievement, I think I deserve a medal of honors from myself to myself hehe ..) 

So, here’s what I’m going to do : I’LL GO AFTER MY GOAL AND TRY TO EXCEL AT IT. EVEN IF I DON’T EXCEL, I’LL TRY NOT TO SCREW UP! WISH ME LUCK!!!!

The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Losing Weight and Getting Fit

Today is White Day .. It is not a common “hari Putih” as you might have translated it. White Day is celebrated in Japan and Korea on March 14, one month after Valentine’s Day. On Valentine’s Day, women give gifts to men; on White Day, men who received chocolate on Valentine’s Day return the favor and give gifts to women. (this is copied from yahoo wikipedia hehe)

So today, one friend of mine Fye de Flower ( she’s very thoughtful and generous despite her appearance) has “balas” my valentine present (hehe ..) with a very wonderful book entitled “The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Losing Weight and Getting Fit” .. Even the title sounds fun .. I have yet to read the whole book, but have taken a peak of the introduction and yes, i has fallen in love with it! I believe i’ll be hooked up with the book for quite sometimes now ..

it’s NOT a diet book. One reader commented ” It’s hundred times better because it’s real and life changing ” .. i’m not sure about that, but i’ll keep u updated about how to actulally lose weight without dieting (n_n).. A.J Rochester ( the author ) wrote : “Well, let me tell you the first thing you need to know : diets don’t work. In fact, i believe tata dieting makes you fat. Every diet i ever went on made me fatter, unhappier and totally convinced i would never be a success”. And yes A.j, I couldn’t agree more.

I tried dieting on my own, but i tell you, it’s one of the hardest thing to do in the world. Firstly, because i live in Malaysia where people have breakfast with nasi goreng, nasi lemak or at least 3 kuihs (3 kuih singgit) .. They have nasi (again) and some lauk – pauk which consists of every nutrient in the nutricient category (even fat, especially FAT) . And they eat dinner after 8 pm .. they, the Malaysian, actually, include ME! and 2ndly, i don’t exercise regularly (can i just say i haven’t run or jog for at least 3 months now??) my idea of exercise is shopping, but that’s also a very hard things to do considering my small wages and expensive petrol price and all .. so, there, i don’t exercise .. 3rdly, ohhh .. i can give you a million excuses about why my plan of losing weight doesn’t work, but no, i don’t intend to. Right now, i want to read this book and will let u know if there’s ever any changes in my weight ( reduced, i mean) ..

so that’s about it .. for now ..

* Fye de Flower is a girl, and no, we are not Lesbian or whatever you call it .. * thanks Fye for the book really love it ..

If Onlys ..

Life is full of possibilities. Things happened when you least expected it. For me, something had just happenned when i had not expected it at all. Me and my few innocents ( repeat : INNOCENT ) friends had to go thru one incident that i hope will be the first and the last in our adventurous-but-usually-innocent-life. I don’t want to write a story about it, it was in the past, but i couldn’t help wondering if my life could have taken a different path that day ..

1) If only ZF had not suggested we go for karaoke
2) If only Man U had not had a match with Liverpool
3) If only EEPANAH had not gone sulking about us going to bowling
4) If only we had agreed to go for bowling
5) If only PIRATES had gone out to the toilet during that time
6) If only we had gone to mamak and watch the football match
7) If only we had come in seperate car
If only we had booked and sang in different rooms ( which is so ridiculous that we didn’t even think about it)
9) If only we had not gone to the muzeum with ZF and PIRATES that day ( then ZF wouldn’t have suggested the karaoke idea and we wouldn’t have gone there)
10) If only we had bring any siblings or at least a pair of legally wedded husband-and-wife
11) If only we all just stayed home and slept the night off
12) If only PIRATES had not come with us ladies
13) If only the *^%$(& had not done any operations
* by this time u should’ve guessed what trouble did we all actually fell into *
14) If only any of us were actually married to each other or something ..
15) If only all of us are siblings by birth ( we are siblings what, according to us ..)
16) If only …

There could’ve have been a lot of If Onlys .. But to conclude it all, a i had a rough and hellish Saturday. And today i called my mum about it, and well, i had to endure the lecture on “they (my abah and ma) had never taught me to go to such places, going to such places is like booking a ticket to hell (now i know uwawa …), i better read or do research and think about furthering my studies bla bla bla …” In a way, i am actually very dissappointed in myself because i have dissappoint my parents. But somehow or rather, i have to learn to go to these places because these are the kind of things i might have to do to keep my job running smooth ( I also have to learn about how to escape or how to deal with it should the same thing happen). I have a choice of not to do it but heck, it was not such a very big deal. I guess i have learned my mistake. Perhaps i should have just stayed home and learn how to cook or sew or whatever it is, as long as i stay home. (I better sign up for a housewife class or something, or even better, a working/carrer-woman-housewife-club).. Life on Saturday SUCKS!

” Always On Your Side “

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leavin’ all the traces of the man you thought I’d be
Leavin’ me with no place left to go from here
Leavin’ me so many questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn’t how it’s really meant to be
No it isn’t how it’s really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I’m left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I’m always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn’t how it’s really meant to be
No it isn’t how it’s really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin’ me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

“this is a song for my first ex, or rather “almost-my-boyfriend-but-before-ever-becoming-my-boyfriend-he-already-is-somebody-else’s-boyriend-so-in-a-way-he’s-my-ex”. I was not, and still am not sure about my feelings for him. he was kind, passionate, caring, wonderful, bring joy to my life and those sort of things, everything i ever wanted in a soul-mate (except that he dumped me before anything.. sucks ..) When we “broke-up” (u can call it that), i hate him that i shrink into a world where no other man should recognize me and try to cheer me up for nothing anymore. They say “first cut is the deepest”, and i say it’s true. It hurts so much that i don’t give myself a chance to try falling in love that deeply again (afraid i’d be wounded again ..). But no matter how much it hurts, i still couldn’t hate him enough to finally forget him, let bygone be bygone and forgive .. if he ever come back to me, i think i’ll give him a chance .. maybe .. but not likely .. exactly, what crap am i writing??? lol