KyoSakuraParis

It is best to wait for the one we want,   <—- horatio??

Rather than settle for the one that is available,

It is still best to wait for the one we love, 

Rather than settle for the one who is around,

It is still best to wait for the right person,

Because life is too short to waste on the wrong one.

Great love grows steadily over a lifetime,

Most good things in life take a long time,

And they are all worth waiting for,

These, despite the facts that although

Waiting, requires a lot of things

Love comes in different shapes,

Sometime it comes in wisdom,

At other time in justice,

And oftentimes in hopes.

just got off the phone with a dearly beloved old friend, ChekguRoha.. sangat lama tak berborak dengan dier. tadi berborak dalam 10 minit je, tapi memang syok. tiba-tiba jadi rindu pada dier. dulu kami jadi rummet selama setahun kat kuantan. dalam bilik yang sempit tu, kami bertiga (termasuk sorang lagi ChekguHufei, sekarang mengajar di Sarawak) menjadi sangat rapat. nak buat get together la dengan mereka. di Sarawak, sambil reunion, sambil melancong.

orang cakap memang senang. sebagai anak sulung, i obviously have the advantages, or so i thought, or so my sister thought. the truth is, not really, but most of the times, memang ye.

sebab itu, my sister menjadi sangat competitive dengan saya, in a subtle way (or so i thought). either she is just admiring and looking up to me and tries to match up to my every achievement, or she simply do it because of herself, i’m not really sure. but she always have that competing-with-kaklong aura around her. i contantly feels like she’s always telling herself some sort of “kaklong dapat macam ni, jadi kakngah pun kena macam ni” or “kaklong ambik nie, kakngah pun kena macam ni” or “kaklong mesti dah ada nie, kakngah kena ada ni jugak”. as i said, it was subtle, but i can feel it.

and u might ask, why do i feel threatened? when i should be proud that my sister is looking up to me like that? i don’t have the answer. i simply hate it. not that i hate competition, it’s good for my self - esteem, but when we are competing in a playing field that is not of the same level, i hate the facts that it simply is not fair. i mean, what leverage do i have here in the competition? ONLY the fact that i am the eldest. now consider her leverage : she’s slim, pretty and domestically-equipped (she can practically do housechores with her eyes closed) - now people, being eldest doesn’t get me evrything, at least, not a boyfriend.

do i blame her? no, i don’t. i accept it as it is. i have never been the favourite of my parents anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. but i hate it that she compete with me in every single thing. and that she seems to win, most of the time, and makes me a loser. i still do not blame her, i just hate it.

u don’t have to understand whatever i am saying. not should u give me any consolation, or suggestion, or solution. i have lived with this competition for as long as i can remember, and i am still standing tall. i’m standing upright, looking all-strong and tough on the surface,  but no one could ever see how my heart is broken into dust-size pieces, how i struggle every morning to face the day as it comes. and certainly no one could ever know, how painful it is to see my parents smiling so happily and giddily for something that i think me, as the eldest child should ever do : that is the gift of their first son in law and a glorious wedding reception. personally, i felt it was my duty to do that. i’d like to think that whatever duty that has been rested on my shoulder so far have been accomplished very well, except this one. i failed this one, and it kills me. it kills me that after all these years, i failed to give them that. it has nothing to do with my sister’s achievement or anything, but rather, as my failure. that smile had been stolen. forever. because the smile of recieving the first son/daughter in law is not comparable to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th menantu. i lost this battle.

will i run away? i probably will, for i need to protect whatever sanity and rationality i still have in myself. if it makes me a coward, then be it. after all, i have never been the brave one anyway.

sejak sabtu lepas, mak mengalami kesakitan pinggang dan tulang belakang yang extreme. mak tak boleh nak bongkok, nak duduk pun sakit, bile baring nak pusing sakit, biler jalan badan tegak je sebab sakit dan pelbagai sindrom lagi. mak raser mak dah makin tonggek huhu..

jadi semalam mak pergi la ke the mines shopping complex, untuk massage di Thai Odyssey. mak suka pegi situ, sebab mak rasa harga dier berpatutan dan servis dier bagus. mak amik pakej murah je, ditambah dengan voucher yang kawan mak bagi (thanks a bunch shareela!!!), mak kena bayar dalam rm67 gitu, untuk urut tradisional thai selama 90 minit. mak cakap dengan mak punye tukang urut tu (pempuan ok … siam mari ..) yang mak sakit pinggang. dier pun paham.

masalah mak biler pegi massage nie ialah, MAK GELI nyah!! mak memang tak tahan geli. mak boleh control mental mak untuk tahan sakit, tapi kalau geli, memang mak tak boleh tahan. kalau orang kata pegi massage tu untuk relaxkan badan, mak beg to differ. mak tak setuju. bagi mak, semasa massage adalah satu penyeksaan, tapi mak pegi jugak sebab selepas massage badan rasa relax. tapi mak takde la geliang geliut time massage tu macam cacing sebab geli, cumanya badan mak jadi keras sebab nak lawan geli tu. mesti tukang urut tu bengag je dengan mak. macam tak tersampai je objektif nak berurut kalau badan keras semacam je. tapi mak gagahkan jugak, dan pinggang mak yang sakit tu rasa lega sebab in the end, dier tuam tempat yang sakit tu dengan tuala panas. perghhhh … panas memang la, tapi memang tidak sakit lagi (pada waktu itu la). kalau orang kata no pain no gain, mak punyer falsafah tukar sikit : NO GELI, NO GLORY, haha ..

anyway, pagi nie dier sakit balik. tapi dah kurang sikit. mak rasa yang kurangnye dengan Thai Odyssey tu ialah tukang urut dier orang siam, yang cakap melayu pun tau perkataan wajib-wajib sahaja (contohnya sakit, sakit sikit, geli, ok .. among others) dan a few english words (eg first time?). jadi, kalau pun dier tau aper masalah mak sebenarnya, dier takkan boleh terangkan pada mak, unless mak pandai cakap siam (which i don’t). jadi, kesimpulannya mak tak tau apa sebenarnya sakit mak nie. kalau esok still sakit lagi, mak akan pegi klinik untuk check. mak yakin doktor tu akan cakap, ia disebabkan mak pakai high heels. tapi dah 4 hari mak pakai kasut flat, same je sakitnye. hmmmm .. mak raser, ini adalah sindrom perubahan struktur badan. mak tak belajar biologi dan anatomi manusia, jadi mak tak tau betul ke tak. tapi mak raser, badan mak berevolusi untuk menjadi tonggek (what a nightmare!!!!!!!!!). jadi sehingga tonggekan itu matang, i have to deal with the pain. huhu .. demmit!

1 minit yang lalu, apa anda buat.

• surf the net mencari design kad kahwin .. saya tidak redha sepenuhnya dengan perkahwinan ini, tapi bak kata fahri, saya kena cuba I.K.H.L.A.S. tengok la kalau berjaya. anyway, saya surf the net carikkan design untuk adik saya. sebab saya malas buat keje. yang penting, design2 yang saya suka, saya takkan email kat dier. itu special untuk saya sahaja!!!!

1 hari yang lalu, apa anda buat.

• sehari suntuk semalam dok kat hospital tunggu ayah saya. dier tido sepanjang hari after operation. lepas tu, petang saya ke klcc, singgah di kino, dan mencekup beberapa helai manga .. adusss … to the hill with streamyx and my azam of no more wasting money!!!

1 orang yang terakhir menelefon kamu.

• the-sister-i-am-mad-of. my mum called tanyer “ada kakngah telefon cakap aper2?”, my father asked “ma ke, kakngah ader cakap aper2?” then my sister tepon pun tanyer “ada tak ma cakap aper2?” bloody hill!!!!!

1 makanan yang baru dibeli

• 2 hari lepas beli 4 kerepek jenama ‘rizal’ berharga rm4 .. pagi tadi beli bihun goreng .. kawan bayar .. sebab dier hutang saya ..

1 barang yang baru hilang

• owh .. sudah tentu handbag saya .. yang diceritakan sebanyak 5 episod tu ..

1 cerita yang baru ditonton.

• malam tadi tidak nonton, kamis takde citer best, kecuali so u think u can dance. tapi malam sebelum tu, berkejar balik rumah nak tengok finale CSI .. Warrick mati!!!!! owhhhhh .. kasihan …

1 hal terakhir yang digossipkan.

• “kau tau, mungkin ada orang nak kena hantar ke tut tut .. posting .. takpun ke tet tet … sape la agaknye ye ..” pergossipan dengan rakan segossip…

1 kata yang ingin diluahkan.

• bloody hill ..  aku sangat terseksa tapi tidak dapat diluahkan kerana ia akan menyinggung pihak-pihak berkepentingan ..

1 buku yang sudah dibaca.

• satu je? nak bagi banyak :
  • manga : totally captivated and junjo romantica .. ohh .. love it .. lots of pretty boys .. why must they be gays?? sungguh akhir zaman ..
  • paul coelho : terpengarauh dengan ayumi, jadi cuba baca paul coelho .. pinjam dari kawan .. sudah habis baca eleven minutes, sedang baca the witch of portobello, sedang tunggu beliau carik balik the alchemist ..

1 penyakit yang sering datang.

• sakit jiwa? sakit hati? penyakit-penyakit berkaitan jeewakachau ..

1 keinginan.

• perlukah tanya … sudah semestinya … kawen … tapi perasaan tu datang bermusim je .. poor me .. what has become of me???

“mak tut tut datang hari tu, bincang-bincang. nak kawen la kakngah tu. ingat nak buat bulan 10, tapi bincang-bincang, buat bulan 8 ni. kaklong ok ke?”

“(perlu ke jawab “of course i am not ok!!!!”) ok je (tahan, tahan, menangis tak selesai masalah) …”

“kaklong tu takde saper-saper lagi ke?”

“(feels like answering: maner ader orang nak..gemuk, tak cantik, tak bersopan santun, takde la beriman sangat blablabla…) takde, takde pun ..” -kalau ader pasti aku akan suruh adik aku tunggu dulu sampai lepas aku kawen.. share majlis? sorry … no way …

“takpe la, malam nie bincang la ..”

“hmmm … abah wad maner dah?”

AKU BERAZAM UNTUK KUMPUL DUIT SEBANYAK-BANYAKNYE. NANTI KALAU ADA REZEKI AKU KAWEN, AKU AKAN BUAT DENGAN PENUH GILANG-GEMILANG. DENGAN EGO AKU SEBAGAI ANAK SULUNG, I HAVE TO HAVE MORE.

everytime my sister tried to bring up the subject of her boyfriend (now soon to be fiance), my good mood (which was rarely good when i was with her) would suddenly turned sour. very, very sour. i would then not say a single word anymore, or i would just disappear from the scene in a flash. i just couldn’t stand it.

and now i know that she’s getting engaged, but i don’t know when. i don’t even know if the guy’s family has come merisik or not. but i realized that in the last few months, she has been busy preparing the baju tunang whatsoever. and then there was this passing by comments about shhe going to kursus kawen. and today, i got to know, my mother is going to Nilai 3 to buy things for her engagement.

but yet, none of them seems to be talking to me about this things. my sister tried, but my mood turned sour everytime, so i won’t blame her if she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. maybe she was afraid that she hurts my feelings. my parents also didn’t say anything up to now. i mean, it usually is a normal thing that my parents doesn’t discuss things about my other siblings with any of us, but for something like this, it all just seems wrong. i mean why won’t they talk to me about it? i have the right to be angry at my sister for wanting to get married before me (and have the rest of the extra advantages blablabla), but i can’t get mad at my parents for that now, can i? or do they expect me to behave like a grown up on my own, and face this things as they come, buat muka tebal je? let bygone be bygone? pray for your sister’s happiness? and stuffs?  

but even if they want to tell me, i don’t think i want to listen to it. i was imagining, how would they say it to me? “kaklong tahu kan kakngah nak bertunang?” and so maybe i would respond : “tahu”. and afterward i somehow couldn’t imagine how the conversation would turn. i want to know the details, but i don’t want to know the details either. i hate the facts that my sister gets to marry before i do, and i want to be left out of it so much, but i also don’t want to be left out. my ego and alter-ego clashing. the ‘me’ as in myself hated my sister so much now, but the ‘me’ as in the sister couldn’t do that.

was i wrong that i hate my sister at this point of time? not that i want to get married or whatever, but i can’t stand the thoughts that she gets to get everything that i can’t. i hate to think that she gets the better of everything (not that i want her boyfriend .. i don’t .. and i hate him too for coming into our lives!!).

I. J.U.S.T. H.A.T.E. I.T.

of course people would say that i should just “let it go”, “pray for her happiness”, “your time will come soon, you will also find a good man yourself, if not now, sooner or later”, “you also have something that she haven’t”, bla bla bla … how easy for people to say. how easy because it is not them people to answer to questions like “kaklong bile pulak?”, “kaklong nak tunggu aper lagi?”, “lepas nie kaklong pulak” and bloody stuffs like that!

kalau nanti mereka terbukak hati untuk tanyer “apa yang kaklong nak untuk ‘pampasan’ langkah bendul nie?” my answer would be “rumah banglo sebijik, di putrajaya, paid for that i don’t have to pay for anything else other than the utility bills”. in my dreams, like they are going to ask. what would i normally get? oh yes, of course, mungkin kain sepasang, that would cost me at least rm45 untuk dijahit. kain sepasang for my emotional sufferings that is yet to come? how fucki** unfair!!!

evil? oh yes .. baru tau ke betapa kejinya saya?

nonton ayat-ayat cinta last friday. too bad cachah couldn’t join us. i love it very much. cried silently bila dier lafaz akad nikah depan the 1st wife. sob sob .. pengorbanan? aku tidak rela berkorban sebegitu uhuhuhu …. anyway, melihat tempat tinggal indonesians students di mesir itu membawa ingatan saya kembali ke kaherah a few months back. dapat jugak tengok asrama students malaysia. nama indera mahkota lagi (indera mahkota adalah satu kawasan perumahan di kuantan).

disebabkan Aisya tu kelihatan hot memakai purdah, tiba-tiba saya rasa purdah tu satu aksesori yang menarik (keji tak pemikiran saya??) tapi ye la, mata beliau cantik, jadi cantik la..

apa pun, saya sangat suka dengan lagu runut filem ini, juga bertajuk ayat-ayat cinta. sungguh indah. sungguh dalam. melly goeslow’s pieces sememangnya favourite saya sepanjang masa. titik.

Desir pasir di padang tandus
Segersang pemikiran hati
Terkisah ku diantara cinta yang murni
Bila keyakinanku datang
Kasih bukan sekedar cinta
Pengorbanan cinta yang agung kupertaruhkan

Reff:
Maafkan bilaku tak sempurna
Cinta ini tak mungkin kucegah
Ayat-ayat cinta bercerita
Cintaku padamu
Bila bahagia mulai menyentuh
Seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama
Namun harus kutinggalkan cinta
Ketika ku bersujud

tahun pertama saya bekerja di Jabtan Bertuah nie, saya dikehendaki jadi emcee untuk satu majlis perpisahan. Tetamu yang diraikan itu dah pencen lebih kurang seminggu or dua minggu sebelum majlis tu. memendangkan ketika itu saya masih berkolam-kolam di ruangan kolam (pool), maka saya idoklah kenal tetamu itu (dier orang no. 2 dalam opis rupenye deng ..)

maka berdiri la saya di mic untuk emcee tu, sebatang mic stand sahaja tanpa rostrem whatsoever untuk mengcover kegigilan saya (saya benci bercakap depan orang ramai!!!!) .. memang saya menggigil .. butterflies in my stomach maser tu, saya rasa ada millions of them ohoho .. saya pegang skrip pun nampak skrip tu ‘menggigi;’ bersama saya memalukan ..

akhirnya sampailah tetamu yang diraikan .. sepatutnya saya kena la announce

“Mengumumkan ketibaan Y.Bhg Dato’ Abdul det det bin Othman”

tetapi saya announce

“Mengumumkan ketibaan Y.Bhg Dato’ Abdul det det binnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ….”

blank, i totally forgot his father’s name(!!) saya sangat gabra, saya lupa bahawa dalam skrip saya ada tertulis nama penuh beliau tapi otot-otot tindakan reflex saya terus shut down .. i just kept staring ahead and sadly no words came out of my mouth. sampai last skali ada senior officers di meja yang belakang-belakang tu jerit “othman .. othman” .. adoiiii AMAT MEMALUKAN!!!

yang menjadikan saya blank pada masa itu ialah, it suddenly occured to me that nama orang no. 1 opis kami pun bin othman jugak. jadi saya rasa macam tak logik kalau both no. 1 dan no. 2 mempunyai nama bapa yang sama. baru je saya nak refer skrip, beliau telah melangkah masuk. mau nye saya tak gelabah .. malu .. malu ..

p.s ini adalah sambungan tag yang cachah bagi tu .. hari nie baru boleh tulis .. adoi laparnye … nak bekpes …

 kalaulah saya ada pakwe, saya mau amik gambar cenggini… romantiknye ..

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww …